Lost in the cavern that is my mind

I have copious amounts of writing paper piled up beside me, unsent letters. A way to try and sort my thoughts, sift through the crap and find the really important stuff. Basically, a bunch of imperfect sentences mishmashed on a page.

I am not coping.

Surreal, real, fake, lies, truth. Who knows anymore. I can't tell the difference. I am all cried out and yet the tears keep flowing.

It's like it never was, yet it was. And it was oh so real. I think. Do I know anymore? All I know now is the pain. And the tears. The tears just wont go away.

I'm not ready to talk, I'm not ready to work or eat or breath. But I have to survive. Find a way to see the positives. What positives?

Damn it all.

Do I want it back, or do I just *think* I miss it?

Longing. Aching. Heartbreak.

"i will be willing to listen when you're ready to talk"

but I'm still not ready to talk. I still don't know where I'm at or what I want or why it hurts so much. Running on autopilot, blind to all around me.

A gentle push, a kind word, keeps me afloat for a while but my head is dangerously bobbing at the waterline and when alone, begins to sink. Like now..

I feel like it was my fault. Like I ruin everything. Like I am not special enough to fight for or .. I don't know. I am too needy, too honest, too affectionate.. I don't know. Me. My fault. Fake. Gone.

Was it ever real?????????????



And I feel sick everytime I hear the tone to say I have email :(