A new look

Well, I spent hours at BTemplates this evening to find a new look for my blog. I am loving this design! I love that it is wider, that it has my prefered 2 columns, that it's softer on the eyes than the last template etc. My own dislike is that the date is not lining up in it's box, but it's so small it hardly matters. I would have prefered some tabs or drop down menus like the last teplate had to neaten up my side bar, but it's no biggie! I just like a clean and uncluttered blog.

When visiting other blogs I really hate clutter. It drags at the download and takes a while. I dislike music on blogs! When I am on my computer I have my own music going, music *I* like. Why do I want to hear 5 different lots of someone else's likes when I have blogs open? I blog surf, I click from link to link to link and save that which I like, move on from what I don't. If I start to hear music chances are I'll move on. If the page takes a month of sundays to open, I'll move on. If you have more content in your side bar than in your blog, again I'll move on. Why do people do that anyway? It's not like they spend time on the front page of their blog to benifit from the music and all the crap they put there, is it? I don't know. I sure don't.

Thankfully, it seems I still had a lot of my pics on my old computer, so I've not lost everything, just everything since getting a new computer some 2yrs ago. I'm still sad. I emailed Sandisk, and while I'm not holding my breath for a response I'm still hopeful. If not, maybe one of my computer tech friends can work it out. Curse computers!

A cute pic, just cos!

Out on the tramp with mummy and honorary Aunt's Cissy and Helen until 11pm! There was no way Jessi was missing out on anything. I am still surprised she managed to stay awake so long.

Little pretties

Last night Jessi kicked me off the computer. How I hate that! *lol* But it was a good excuse to go do something! I grabbed some scraps of fabric and stiff interfacing and finally made myself one of these

I didn't have any ink for a long time to be able to print the template. I like the little dish, it's very sweet. It's cloudy today so the lighting is either poor or washed out with flash, sorry. I sewed the tacks on the wrong side, I had intended for the green fabric to be inside the bowl and the bright patterned fabric to be on the outside. Oh well :) It doesn't matter all that much.

After Jess went to bed and I had regained my precious computer, I sewed yet another pocket tissue case while chatting to friends. This is cute, but it looks tacky! Again, the photos aren't wonderful, sorry.

This is the pattern I used for Jessica's dress for the races

I didn't use cased elastic in the sleeves due to Jessica's latex allergy, so I made cuffs with bias binding. I've never done cuffs before, so that was interesting. I sewed 3 little hearts onto the bottom of 3 of the pleats but they don't show up too well in the pics.

On a really really sad note, it seems my thumb-drive has stopped working! In fear of this I had JUST bought a portable hard drive and now can't transfer anything to it. Please, does someone have any suggestions? ALL of my digital photos are on that thumb drive *cries* There's a good 3yrs worth *sobs uncontrollably* I have tried it on another computer, I am googling to try find solutions. Basically, the red light isn't coming on and the computer isn't recognising it. I have noticed that the device is getting mighty warm in the moment's it's plugged in. It's a Sandisk U3 8GB Micro. I am so sad right now. Best I go read my new Handmade magazine to feel better.

As the sunshine fades

Summer is gone and the cool air is already moving in, which is surprising as it was such a HOT summer! Not only is summer gone, so is almost 1/4 of the year. I just don't know how time gets away from me so bad! I always mean to pop in here and update my blog, and then I get bored with the idea (or as is more the truth, too distracted by other people's blogs!) and when I finally go to do a post it's HUGE! I really need to blod more regularly. Yet, since I say that every time I do blog, don't get your hopes up :) I'm quite annoyed right this minute, I was doing the rounds of my fave blogs and it seems Flickr is down which means many of the images on blogs are little red x's. Boo!! On this note, I uploaded all my pics to Photobucket this time, since I didn't like the idea of another 6 hours for one blog post. I'll load them in as thumbs, you *should* be able to click them to see bigger images, if you so desire :)

My friend Marrissa of Through the Garden Gate and I have decided to try our luck at this years Mother's Day markets. Every year our small town holds a markets in the park and it gets smaller and smaller every year. We both enjoy creating (I'd say crafting, but we certainly don't limit ourself to crafts!) and it's not only our way of giving back, but to see if local people really are as interested in what we do as they say they are. We live in a tiny town, some 800 people, and the majority of them work for the local gold mine, so lets just use the S word and be get the nastys out the way. Snobs. They drive 2hrs ONE WAY to buy their groceries, they don't support local business. You know the kind, right? Nothing is ever good enough. We have a town full of them. So we'll try it out, see what happens. If we sell nothing then I guess all our friends know what they'll be receiving for bdays this year *haha*. It will cost us probably $5-10AUD to hold the stall so it's not like we'll be losing out. If we keep our target small and aim for the kids given $10 and told to "go buy something for mum" we might make back our fee. *lol* So as you see, we're in it more for the fun than to make mega bucks. It's always so nice to sit and socialise and markets are a great place for it.

It seems I had a blog giveaway win way back in January, and I had no idea!! Probably cos I wasn't checking blogs much then as I was away in Perth a lot (and my prepaid broadband is so expensive and that's what I use when not at home). It would have been some buttons. I've just sent an apology email to the wonderful host Jane of Pretty Jane. And here I was feeling like I've never won anything, ever. Well, now I can say I have, I just don't have it to show *lol* (I'm not claiming the prize after such a long time, just so you now. the email was merely for good manners.)

My gorgeous nephew is getting big. As much as I hate all the trips to Perth which Jess requires since being on Cyclosporin for her eczema, it allows us to see little Hayden all the more. Jessi dotes on him! She still wants a baby sister :)

My baby girl has turned 6! Amazing.. we didn't do anything for her bday as we had a very stressful drive home from Perth with her asthma. We only arrived home at noon the day of her bday, my mum was at work (she works away on a 2week on 1 week off roster) so she went to our toy shop with nanna while I raced home and wrapped some presents.

I've promised her a belated party cos Feb is just hectic in this little town, so many bdays! I have ideas piling up thick and fast.. Should be interesting. Jessi's eczema has never been sooooo brilliant! She was put on immunosuppressants (which still scare the hell out of me) but they're working! Jess is finally wearing socks! I can't believe it! It's been almost 2yrs since she agreed to wear them last. Such small things but so significant in our home.

I made some bits and pieces for Jessica for her birthday and she seems to have passed them. First off is my first ever patchwork and quilting. I've never done anything like it before, and I'm not sure I ever will. I didn't follow any patterns or directions. I made my quilt top, my quilt back, then made a sandwich of the two with wadding between, quilted it, then did the binding. Of all that it was the binding which made me wanna forget the whole thing! I flowed with the fabrics and I wasn't sure you could patch mitred corners but since I had no one to tell me I couldn't or that it wouldn't work, I just did it.

My fabric of choice

The Results


And a little dolls outfit made from a thrifted ladies shirt as seen some posts ago. The doll is one we bought at a stay in Princess Margaret Hospital when the doll we took with us went missing. She is Jessi's fave doll of choice right now and always seem to be naked! I used an old (I am reluctant to use the term vintage) pattern for these, I can dig out the details later if anyone's interested. I free formed the shoes with craft felt.

As mentioned, Feb is a big month of birthdays here so of course, we were invited to more than 1! The twin girls got these bags with hair accessories, while the other bdays got purchased gifts.


March saw the running of the local horse races which is one of the few social events in town. I had known for a long while I wanted to make myself an Infinity Dress, of which there is a really great tutorial on Craftster by Rostichery. Now, I looked at a LOT of similar dresses online to see what I wanted. I didn't "follow" the tute as such, just remembered the basics. I had bought fabric from my last trip to Perth to try this dress and it was quite hard to work with as it kept stretching all over the place. I borrowed an overlocker (serger) but the power cord seems to have been lost, which meant I sewed this on my regular machine. Nothing about the dress is "neat" or even "finished" (only the hem). I made a circle in a square skirt to get pixie hems and cut the circle too big *duh*. I also made Jess a dress from yet another old pattern. This one is without dates on the pack but I'm leaning toward 70's from the style. It's a "one size only pattern" and one of the few I had in a 4. I let Jessica choose the fabric, I wasn't even sure I had a zipper, but it all came off well. I don't have any good photos of my dress and will have to get some at a later date. As I cut the circle too big it was a bit too short in some places and I kept tugging at it all day! It was fun to wear, very comfy, and we both got some very lovely comments about our attire. I just found a pic of Jessica's pattern online at Wikia


Last minute I also made us each something for our hair. Mine is crazily crap, but hers was very sweet!


Since Jessi is anaphylactic to latex (as well tree nuts and sesame) I made some beanbags for her classroom to use in place of balls where possible. Her teacher was delighted. I think there was around 20 in all in 2 different sizes. So easy to make! I didn't hand stitch them closed as I was making so many and they're no worse off for it.


I've made myself a pincushion, trialling an idea/pattern. I am sure I have this in a magazine but my recent reminder was from Whosie at Whosie's Written Whatnots which she has titled Doily Pincushion. I would love to have had some small vintage doilies to play with! I'm still pleased with my pincushion. It helps that I am IN LOVE with this particular fabric! These are in mind for our afore-mentioned Mother's Day Stall. Not sure..

Also in mind for the stall, some pocket tissue covers. These are all the wrong size, too big, too small. Still trying to get it just right.


Sew Hip is a really cool magazine which I am so pleased to be able to buy here in Aus. So far we've had 3 issues and I am in love! I am sick of buying mags a few issues then they stop selling them. Bring me back I Can Make It Myself (which I didn't realise was Aussie until just now, so will be hitting up the newsagents to reorder this one!!!!) and Better Homes and Gardens Quilts and More. Anyway, getting back to Sew Hip, I have issue 3 and decided I liked what was coming in issue 4 so much I made it already, without the mag. As you can see, it's not perfect but I didn't put too much thought into it anyhow! I figured I can wait to read the pattern in isse 4 *lol*. I do need to move the button embellishments as they're far too low.


I've had some interesting thrift finds lately. Would you ever believe what size this dress is?

If you open the pic with the tags you will just see it's a size 8!! That's tiny! Compared to me anyhow, I am a 22! Yet the pic of me, in the dress, is me in the dress. Completely un played with. Hard to believe, huh? I decided to refashion it into a comfortable fit as that elastic waistband is sooooo tight, and add some length to it. I almost had it, almost wore it out. Then realised there were some ginormous errors and haven't yet got back to it. I need to rework that dress! But alas, winter is coming so the urge to perfect dresses is dwindling.

Another interesting thrift find is this fabric panel. I have no idea what I am going to do with it, but I can assure you it wont be making a box o_0 what an odd reason to make a panel. It has some really cute prints which I am sure can find a much cuter home!

Some unusual printed fabrics, again I don't know what I am going to do with them, I just find it impossible to leave fabric at the thrift shop!! I got plenty more, these are just more interesting. And I am sure you get sick of my posts being weighed down with images of fabrics that are all so old! I wish I had the $$ to go buy some Maria Horner and other bright, fun, modern fabrics. Maybe if I get the job I have an interview for on Monday I can. What's the bet I have to order them from the US?


A cute apron I thought would be good to draft a pattern from. I was disgusted to see it was made in China, I thought it was a handmade piece. Oh well. I wonder what they used the Velcro strip for?

And a pic of Jessica with her 11yr old aunt, whom she hasn't seen since she was 6mths old. To me they look very similar yet people keep telling me how much she looks like me. I think she is her dads family all over. Not that it matters, she's my princess no matter how she looks :)


I am sorry for the ultra messy layout. I am tired, this still took ages, and Jess has been begging for the computer for hours. Enjoy :)

The kindness of bloggers

Lady Shuttle Maker is having a giveaway on her blog that I just HAD to enter! I have always drooled over her work at her Etsy store!!

She asks that we link to her on our blog and I am going to do this in a post as I like to keep my blog "clean" of the million possible links I could have cascading down my sidebar. I frequent so many fabulous blogs and draw much inspiration from so many people for a myriad of different crafts. They all deserve a special place really..

Check out Lady Shuttle Maker's blog;

http://ladyshuttlemaker.blogspot.com/

Not only does she make brilliant ceramic shuttles, she does some amazing tatting work also. I really must start tatting again. Once the heat dies down that is!

And of course, the direct link to the competition
Tatting Tales ~ All things Tatting (It's an obsession): Ceramic Tatting Shuttle Giveaway

Goodbye 2008 - (pic obese!!)

You have got no idea how thrilled I am that 2008 is now in the past. It was such a horrible year for Jessica and I! My thoughts are that 2009 can only be better (and I say that lightly, cos it's always when you think things couldn't possibly be worse they go downhill in a dramatic way).

Lets hope there's no more of this

Jessica's 2008 was spent so ill, she missed a lot of her preschool year and had too many hospital stays. She was put on an immunosuppressant in November (Cyclosporin) and thus far we have found it to work!! Her eczema has decreased incredibly and she is more in control of her skin now. She scratches less and is a happier child. She is wearing clothes (such as tights and leggings) which she refused to wear in the past as her skin was just too sore. She's also on a long term antibiotic as the entire year of 2008 she was on and off antibiotics for infections. We're still finding when she comes off one antibiotic she needs to go back on another and after contracting MRSA at some point infections are something we have to stay on top of. Especially with a lowered immune thanks to the Cyclosporin. So, Jess is starting 09 on a myriad of drugs, but her overall health is much improved. This is a blessing.

My 2008.. gosh I don't even know where to begin. From having and losing a bf and a job, gaining a nephew, spending an lot of time in Perth with friends.. So much has happened. So much I haven't bloggged. I nearly lost Jessica in 08. The MRSA was very very bad by the time it was diagnosed and treated. Thankfully we just happened to be refered to Perth to specialists when we did. I'd hate to think what would have happened had we not got on the plane that morning (paid for by the health department to ensure Jessica got treatment asap. Thank you Dr Christine Jeffries-Stokes!). I had many highs and it seems all too many lows the last year. Friends have moved away, others got in touch after many many months of not hearing from them at all. One of the best things that happened was buying myself a sewing machine! I love my sewing machine.

Crafts wise I have done a lot since my last post! I've spent plenty of time hunched over my sewing machine that is. All other crafts have hit the back burner in a big way!! When it's not so hot I'll pick up some tatting again but for now, sewing is kinda mindless and soothing. I'd love to sell some work but I don't feel my skills are at that level yet. I need an overlocker (serger) too. There is so much I want to do and I just don't have the tools. Like a snap setter and snaps. They're so expensive! Well, the snaps are. I haven't seen a snap setter at all.

Jessica and I spent all of November in Perth. It was wonderful to get away from everything that was going on at home and to see friends and just feel free for a while. My nephew Hayden was welcomed into the world at this time and he's just so precious.

See for yourself;

This photo just melts my heart!!

During my time in Perth I went to Spotlight as they had a massive sale. They emailed me a coupon "spend over $100, get $40 off". I thought that was a great deal! So I grabbed a few things I've wanted but not bought in the past like Clover Bias Tape Makers, a cutting mat and roller cutter which I found in a package that also had a quilting ruler and the package was cheaper than any one item on its own and a ton of fabric. You have no idea how delighted I was when I put everything through the check out (and this took FORever cos I had 2 trolley loads of fabrics to get cut) and I'd spent $320 or so, but I only had to pay $240 or there abouts. The sale was more like 40% off!! For every $100 I spent, I got $40 off!! SWEET!! All of the patterned fabric I bought was less that $8/m or on sale. So I got some nice patchwork fabrics for a lot less than the $18.95/m they were originally. I also grabbed remnants. As I said, I got a mountain load of fabric..

Fat Quarters and Ikea Fabric (my first Ikea stuff)

How I have organised my fabric. Well... had organised...

Mum gave me money for Christmas as Jess had to be back at Princess Margaret Hospital in Perth just 3 days before Christmas. Mum figured I could buy myself something while there. Back to Spotlight I went! (and I don't think mum was too impressed about this lol). I bought some dress making shears, a sidewinder, some scrapbooking papers that were just so pretty, bobbins for my machine, fabric pen, some snaps and eyelets, ribbon and lace and a few more bits of fabric. I didn't spend all of what she gave me but I was so happy with the shears. The sidewider doesn't thrill me all that much. It needs some weight cos it shifts about the table a lot and it's just as annoying as threading the machine. My machine doesn't need the needle thread removed to wind a bobbin, so it's much of a muchness really. Now I am hoping like anything mum will buy me a serger... That last trip to Spotlight before xmas I looked for a kiddie sewing machine. Jessi wants one so bad! ToysRUs had plain blue and white ones and I had meant to grab one for her in November while we were there and plain forgot. Spotlight has Disney Princess and Dora the Explorer ones, and of course, she wants a Dora one! We did tell daddy and he and grandpop looked also but they were all sold out. She has a bday in Feb so I will do my utmost to buy her one then.

Here's what's been keeping me busy recently..

The kiddo

End of year school stuff

Family

Sewing

Papercrafts

Christmas of course

Perth all of November

New Years Eve 08

(PS, that is not MY bust!)

PS. I have HAD it with blogger! It took me HOURS (lets say 4 which is being kind!) to upload pics to this post. Then the time to drag them about delete the HUGE spaces uploading pics creates etc. There has to be an easier way to do this but I don't always want clickable photobucket thumbs and the bigger images distort. Help!

The creative in me emerges

Ok, so once more it has been forever since I have blogged. I do think regularly about blogging, life just gets in the way. That, or the thought of penning words is really off putting! I have been semi-active recently. Something I am finding quite difficult at this point in time. I am feeling very angry about my break up and can't look back on the past year with anything but bitterness. No, it's not healthy and I know that. I am doing a pretty good job of moving on only there is little to move too. I had a deep and meaningful with a friend last night and we both agreed small towns are bad for your self esteem! There's no where to go, no one to meet etc.


On to the fun stuff! First off, my cousin celebrated her 21st last weekend and Jessica and I made her a little something. The pattern was from an American patchwork mag I bought on a whim. Why, cos I just saw the pic of this on the front and had to have it! It's not a bad mag either. I don't patchwork, but there's ideas and other patterns in there I may just use.

My cousin Jaimie, Nanna, Jaimie's little boy Blake, and my Jessica (yes she was nervous being that close to a balloon - Latex Allergy)

Jaimie's Bird

So then LeAnna requested one, and Jessi wanted to make one for our nan, and I'd made another just to see if I could sew it better. Cos really, my sewing is amateur!! And my handsewing (ie, closing stuffies) is so poor, and so visible. I will get better I know. The beaded hangers on a couple of those birds were made by Jess. I cut open some basic wire bracelets, twisted an end and let Jessi thread on beads, then looped the other end through the first to close. She LOVED the beading process. She also really enjoyed making the pink bird for Jaimie. By the time we got the the other birds she was more bored with the process.

I gave Jessi some scraps while I was cutting out and she was saying "flutter flutter flutter like a butterfly" (among other things which I wasn't really listening to as I was busy cutting). When I heard her talking of butterflies I asked to have her pieces a moment, and laid them on the work surface with 2 points together and said "it does look a bit like a butterfly, if you put this [bobby pin] here.." which is where she piped in "for a body!! yeah, yeah, do it like that!" so she snatched it up and tried threading the two points onto the bobby pin. They wouldn't stay. So mummy hand tacked the bobby pin to the bits of fabric! Butterfly has since gone to visit at nannas the weekend with Jess.

I also made a little owl. This little guy was made using ideas gathered from viewing other blogs. I spend hours some days/nights just pulling up blogs, clicking their links and looking at more blogs. There are some totally wonderful people out there sharing their work with us. I think the two who inspired my little owl most were SquirrelMomma (found via Softies Central) and LuckyKate Crafts. No patterns, no clear idea how to cut the shape. I literally sat down with felt and scissors and got this little guy. Clearly, he needs some darts at the bottom, and an inserted base so he can stand. Otherwise he is totally cute!! Dunno what to do with him now though *lol*

Also from LuckyKate Crafts I fell in LOVE with her tooth fairy doll with pocket for the tooth (and the cash) to be stowed safely. I think it would be easier to convince my little munchkin no imaginary tooth fairy or otherwise would be coming anywhere near her in her sleep to snatch a tooth from under her pillow. No matter how much she loves fairies AND money! The only reason Santa is allowed to sneak into this household is because he doesn't go near the bedrooms *lol*. She hates people in costume. I have a strange child cos she herself loves dressing up!! So to tell her to put the tooth in the pocket and the doll where she felt comfy would be a heaps better option.

Here is my doll (not nearly as gorgeous as Kate's!)

Mind, I did make her at 11pm or something ridiculous. The gorgeous stripy fabric is a scrap of a fat quarter so the pocket isn't doubled like I think Kate's is, I had to hem it (YUCK!). I also had a hard time finding a piece which the lines were even with those on the skirt. I thought it would look pretty messy if they didn't line up. I again freehand cut this. First sewed the pink to the stripes, then cut the doll. I had NO IDEA how to do the hair.. At all! It's a bit messy but looks cute enough. I don't think I stuffed the doll enough either. The tooth is take 2. The first one looked more like a heart with 2 points *lol* again cutting freehand at 12:30am! I don't recommend this peoples. I should have put the doll down to finish in the morning, but I just couldn't. Once I'm on a mission... Her eyes look a bit like they have an Asian influence (I mean absolutely nothing derogatory, just a description). Hand sewing is not my forte. As you can plainly see. I'm going to try out the plastic eyes I bought a while back but I didn't want to waste them on my prototype.

How sweet is this. Jessica asked if we could save the tooth fairy doll for "our baby". When asked what baby, she said for when we have a baby. Aww.. how cute! Poor kid is going ot be waiting a while, and I am surprised she didn't ask for the doll. She's not lost a tooth yet.

I've been making a variety of dummy clips (pacifier, soother chains to those international friends). They're getting near impossible to buy in the shops now days (no idea why when you have 20 different dummies to choose from!) and I thought my sister could use some for her baby due in November. Well, I started making them for my nephew, but soon decided to play around with them more. I've really enjoyed making these! It keeps me busy for a while. The ceramic dummy being used here is something we have for sale in our toy shop. I have one of each colour and our toy shop has tons of them! We blind ordered once and got some crazy items, these dummies included. At least *I* have a use for them *lol* No idea why someone would buy one... I also figure these chains could be used as pram/stroller/push chair/buggy toy savers buy looping the end which is currently on the dummy around a strap, bar etc on the pram and then clipping the other end to the toy/blanket/bib that baby is likely to toss from his or her pram. Pity we can't clip socks to little baby feet!!

A couple of weekends ago our local Volunteer Firebrigade held its centenary. I decided last minute to go and managed to scrounge up something semi-decent to wear. As a broke,single stay at home mum I have very little call for "after 5 wear" *lol*. This is my friend Cissy and I. I have the specs (oh hold on, I said that to an international friend once and they didn't have a clue what I meant. Specs is Aussie slang for glasses. aka, spectacles). I don't usually enjoy going out but I had good fun this night. And my cousins Jaimie and Joseph had me drinking Riccadonna. Of which we went through some 5-6 bottles! I wouldn't say I was drunk, but I don't usually drink, so I felt pretty odd. And I must say, I don't like how alcohol makes me feel.

I was really proud of how I did my hair that night with just the mirror I am using for the pic. I didn't have a second to hold behind me to see what I was doing so I am stoked with how it looked!! I just twisted and pinned :)

Oh, and I am TOTALLY inspired by Sewing Stars!! She does the most amazing works and everything looks so tidy and professional. Not to mention how jealous I am of her ability to draw/paint. Her little graphics are right up my alley! Insired as I am, I have asked a friend if she might be able to design me a versatile little graphic. I want to try selling some things and I want them to look professional. Like Sewing Stars work. I literally sat and went through every page of her blog, admiring her work, ooh'ing and ahh'ing over things and wishing I could draw. I would pay someone like Teresa (Sewing Stars) to design me some graphics to use, if I had any money. That would be the point of trying to sell some things, to help supplement my extremely minimal income (think less than $15,000AUD a year). Great stuff Teresa. Thanks for the eye candy!

Betrayed

Jessica and I arrived safely home from Perth and Princess Margaret Hospital after 14day stay on Tues. Today is Friday and all that joy I felt at coming home is gone.

Basically, Neil's brother's girlfriend had more say in our relationship than I did. Neil tells me yesterday that he spoke to his brother about the wedding and that, well, yeah. Basically without saying it, that I'm not invited. Last night (cos he was still at work), I txt him and said I wanted to not make an issue of something but needed to understand. He asked "so what is this issue of yours?" and I said I'd like to know just what his brother said about the wedding and me not being invited (which I once was). He text back "he said Renee doesn't want you anywhere near her". Renee is the sister-in-law to be. I admitted that although I hadn't wanted to make an issue of it that this was a BIG problem. He asked what it meant for he and I, I said I'd rather talk in person.

He shows up not all that long later. I'm sitting on the floor balling my eyes out. He comes over and helps me up and holds me and wipes tears from my eyes. I ask him what ever did I do to his family? His nan made it clear a long time ago that she hated me, but his sis-in-law and I got on just fine the one and only time we met. He said he didn't know. I cried a whole lot more, said I didn't want to control him, just love him. That his family was being awful mean and that it must have been so hard for him. He said he wasn't sure he could take it if his family disowned him. I saw no reason he should be disowned! I did more talking, he did more cuddling. Very little was said from his side, as usual. Then he just walked to the door and started pulling on his shoes. I asked for my key, he pointed to the printer saying "it's there" and left. Just like that. Out my front door with me crying my heart out inside.

I don't believe for a moment he ould have chosen this path but for his family's wickedness. What does it say for the relationship we had though? 12 whole months worth! I thought Neil was the man I wanted to marry, have babies with. Well, looks like more fool me. It's definately over this time. I'd not take him back now. He could be kicked out of home and I'd pass him by in the street. I've only ever been good to his family, tried to understand and tollerate his mean nanna, work beside his hypercondriac mother and enquire the health of those who don't live close by.

I almost feel like this was a ply set up by him to get rid of me. But if that were so would he really have been so caring when he first came in last night, or when I got off the plane the other evening then why was he so playful and happy? It doesn't make sense. But, by him having that key all ready off his keyring and such implies he knew when he walked in that door he was walking out alone. Poor Jessica. She'd just got home from 2weeks in Perth missing him, hunting out a fathers day gift which she gave him with a picture she'd drawn of "our family", me her and Neil. She gave him candy saying "I *heart* dad" which he said he didn't want but I notice is gone now from where he left it.

All this started when he and his nan went over east some time ago I believe. It was when they returned that I was no longer welcome at his house, or to talk to his nanna. Had he been running me down? Given them bad impressions of me? I'll never know.

I'm sad. It's Friday night and Neil typically spent Friday night with me at my house, and most of Saturday. I feel so betrayed. He said he loved me. Even when he walked in the door last night he said he loved me. If this is how you treat someone you love...

I've tried to be a good person, a decent person, all my life. I'm really wondering just what I ever thought it ould do for me as thus far I've had nothing but a shit life! Nichola is moving back to Perth in 2wks time and once more I will be friendless.

I don't want much out of life. A simple kind of happiness. A nice house on some acreage in a quiet area somewhere with plenty of space to run and play and yell and scream. A husband to love well into old age, a couple more kids to prove to myself I'm not a failure as a parent. I'm not even fussed about having a career or owning a posh car or having hundereds of thousands of dollars in the bank. It means little if you are surrounded by people who love you. How do you ever know it's not just a sham?!

I want a man who's happy to give me a flower once in a while, who'd look at things I make with admiration or constructive criticism instead of sheer boredom, who doesn't want to walk in and out of our lives because I want to find the person who I can love forever, like grandma and pop. I want to be spoilt, but not with lavish holidays and expensive jewelry (though who'd complain if it was on offer) but with love, kindness, respect and understanding. I am so sick to death of giving my all to get so little in return. Jessica, as part of the hospital's craft activites, just gave Neil a certificate saying something like "worlds best step-dad" as part of her fathers day gift which included other handmade things from Jessi and $50 worth of clothes and boutique candy. I didn't even get a phone call for mothers day, nor a card for my birthday. Not to mention the horrid gifts HIS MOTHER gave him to give me for xmas! I'm not sniping I spent so much on him over the time, but it would just be nice to have that same kindess returned to some extent. Always giving, nver getting. It should be my life motto because it's been like that for a very long time.

I only have myself to blame. I let this happen. I never really said, but the last time we broke up as because I got a little too close to another man. I think even then I knew Neil and I weren't each others perfection. I just wanted it to be so and patched it up with him. It still bloody hurts! I feel so spiteful which is not my character, and I feel betrayed by the person I loved so completely, and to whom I gave my all.