As winter sets in

I can't avoid mentioning my blogging absence. It's sort of my "thing" so it hardly seems worth mentioning it's just that so much happens in that time.

To be honest, I don't even know WHY it happens. Overwhelmed, under-whelmed.. who knows. Sometimes I think it all just gets too much reading about the perfect lives of perfect people in the blogesphere. Techinicaly we all know each other isn't perfect but who am I kidding?! Some of these mums with their baking and sewing and happy kids and magazine perfect photos.. they make me sick. It's nice for a while to read their blissful words and their pics really aren't to be complained about as they're so wonderfully composed. But when you're struggling to make ends meet, keep the child alive and drudge through each and every dreary day just to start the next one it's not always so blissful. More like a huge kick in the face.

Jessica's health has been reasonably good this year. Her eczema is looking far better than ever (in her whole life - ever!). She still has to travel to Perth frequently to see doctors and monitor her medications and progress. Anaphylaxis hasn't been an issue but minor allergic reactions and hayfever etc have all been pretty uncomfortble. As I write this in my sleep deprived state I am reminded how disruptive her asthma has been the last few days. Neither of us have had much sleep while she coughs her lil lungs up all night long. She's feeling pretty run down and having more time off school. To top it off, at her last check up in Perth her doctors are concerned she hasn't gained any weight in over 6mths. Will be interesting to see what this means for us on our visit in July.

I started a new job! Way back in January.. I love it :) Suits me really well. I am kept active enough both physically and mentally, working with people and given a huge chunk of responsibility. I am working in an Australia Post Licensed Post Office and from the moment I was hired (head hunted!!) I was told it would be semi managerial. I say semi as in a small, privately owned business there is no need for a "manager" per say, except when the owner is away. This is what she intended. For me to run the show so she CAN go away. I wasn't looking for work. I was still trying to overcome the inadequacies and apprehensions my last job created for me on a personal level. When I was asked to take this position I baulked, but told her I'd give it a go. Never expected to LOVE IT and not complaining that I do :) It's been good in many ways. It got me out of my reverie, has me socialising even if it is only at a seeing people at work level and reinstating some long lost confidence. I've learned so much. The business has been on the market for a number of years and now my mum has put in an offer and really hopes to be the successful purchaser. Finance permitting. This will be a whole other can of worms that I will leave closed until it bursts open.

I have been creating. Nothing fancy. A toy here, a piece of clothing there. Some hand sewing, embroidery, wood working.. Baby steps. I always have these big plans and get so annoyed at myself when they don't come to fruition.

Here's some recent items

I hand pleated some fabric to attempt smocking.. but I don't know how to smock haha

Baby dress for my 7mth old cousin - pattern from Ottobre

A top/tunic for Jessica - pattern McCall's

Library bags I made Jessi and our 2 cousins for school this year

 

Jessi's 8th birthday cake. Could have been better if the 45C heat wasn't melting it!!

Dummy (pacifier) chain, heandband and baby shoes for my 3mth old cousin

Still working on finding peace with myself, my actions, my words and my feelings. Fingers crossed I get there one day soon as I feel like life is flying by and I am only a spectator, but also feel like I am completely unable to change it. 

Need to blog

Ok so my blog has been on a semi-hiatus. Again. I know, it happens so frequently. Life is a little bit more than I can manage right now. I really don't know how others do it. I am trying not to be online so much and to do EXTREMELY overdue work around the house, garden etc.

Work has been extremely stressful. It's amazing how the relationship with just one co-worker failing can create so much chaos. Today I am in two minds; lodge the discrimination grieveance report or let it go? I think I really need to lodge it, it is discrimination after all not just a personality clash. Just happens to be the woman I'm having the personality clashes with though. Just to make it harder! My mum says quit, my coworker says let it go, my friend didn't know what to suggest. I feel so stuck, so very frustrated and it's really getting to me.

I have a little blog package I am hoping is in the mail today. I won a draw a few weeks back on another blog and it was posted last week. I will tell you all about it when it arrives!!! I can't wait to see what handmade goodies are inside.

Jessica and I went back to Perth at the end of May for her specialists. Nothing really new to tell you there. We return in another 3mths to do it all again. I took a few extra days this time and enjoyed a semi-break. It was nice, but hectic being in Perth with so many things to do and people to see. Actually, biggish news is we both got our hair cut. I had mine cut quite short. I am a fan of my long hair but was bored and decided it only grows back so there is no real harm. I had a fringe (bangs) cut in for Jessica. She's 7.5yrs old and never had a fringe and it was amazing to see how different she looks! I have exceeded my bandwidth so will have to put up photos another day :)

While in Perth I bought a few bits of fabric from Spotlight, nothing major. I got some curtain rings and drawstring to make Roman Blinds (one day, it's on that ever growing list of things I must do) but I did get quite a lot of fabric at thrift stores. I also got 2 small jars of buttons and wow were there some little treasures. I will photograph a couple of the more interesting ones to share with you.

I would really like to start working with wood! The Knock-Off Wood site is so inspiring and I have always loved woodwork. My friend and I were the only 2 who took woodwork as an elective in highschool (we did metal work too but I wasn't so fond of it). I have an outdoor table base a friend was throwing away and hope to give it a new lease on life. Trouble is, hardware store here is small and has a few basics but as I need a large amount of lumber I will have to travel 200km one way (2hrs drive) to buy it, then drag it all home on the trailer. Not so much fun :) But I am looking forward to a trip out of town, I want a latte!!!

At this very moment I am really glad I shared my blog only with those in my "real world" whom I love and trust. I've been increasingly frustrated with Facebook and the like as it's not really 'friends' and you can't really say what's on your mind. Last night when I was deciding "do I quit, or do I harden the fk up and work this out?" my facebook status read "hopes it continues to rain". That was NOT gratifying. I see many (MANY!) people constantly whining about work and colleagues on their facebook and it doesn't end in a good place. I try to keep things off those kinds of topics and if all else fails, I go find a quote which speaks to me in that moment and use it as a status. A recent example, I was missing a friend and I had heard in part the quote "Distance is to love as wind is to fire: It extinguishes the small and kindles the great." --unknown  Not only did I think the quote was beautiful, it really meant something to me in that moment so it became my status. That way I felt I had said what I wanted to say (in a round about way) but other people weren't prying into my life in a way I didn't want them to. I often use innuendo, am quite vague or cryptic. It bugs people but too bad for them really. Anyways, that was way off track!!!!!!! What I was meaning to say is I am glad my blog can still be that place I don't feel like I need to censor my words.

I have 20mins before I have to head to work and I am feeling all queazy in the tummy. I am really not appreciating all this uneccessary stress and tension. I don't want to have a bad relationship with ANYone let alone my coworkers, supervisors etc etc. I don't deal with this stuff well and my indecisiveness does not help. I am worried I might be seen as the "office complainer". The very first time I had a complaint I came "THIS CLOSE" to quitting! I didn't want to make that complaint then. I even called the 2nd in charge and asked how much notice they would require if I were to resign. I decided to step up, grow up, and go make the complaint. I can't say I regret that decision as I really do love my job, but it didn't serve to make things any better. If I do quit, I would be penalized by Centrelink a) for quitting and b) because Jessica is over 7 and I am deemed to be able to work no less than 15hrs a week due to her being in full time school. In a small, isolated town finding a new job that works around Jessica will be close to impossible. My current employers are extremely forgiving and allow me to have Jess at work with me on days she is ill or during school holidays and they also afford me that time off I need to take her to Perth. Granted, that time off is all my RDO's (Rostered Days Off) and annual leave time, but it often comes at short notice. If this one lady would just step up and act like a half decent human being things would be a whole lot easier. I don't honestly know what her issue with and yesterday she confronted me. She asked me "Is there a problem?" in a tone that implied she was unaware of any issues. Which is complete and utter BS given I have had 2 meetings with our superior to discuss these issues, the last being only April 30th! I don't honestly know what to do :(

Lost in the cavern that is my mind

I have copious amounts of writing paper piled up beside me, unsent letters. A way to try and sort my thoughts, sift through the crap and find the really important stuff. Basically, a bunch of imperfect sentences mishmashed on a page.

I am not coping.

Surreal, real, fake, lies, truth. Who knows anymore. I can't tell the difference. I am all cried out and yet the tears keep flowing.

It's like it never was, yet it was. And it was oh so real. I think. Do I know anymore? All I know now is the pain. And the tears. The tears just wont go away.

I'm not ready to talk, I'm not ready to work or eat or breath. But I have to survive. Find a way to see the positives. What positives?

Damn it all.

Do I want it back, or do I just *think* I miss it?

Longing. Aching. Heartbreak.

"i will be willing to listen when you're ready to talk"

but I'm still not ready to talk. I still don't know where I'm at or what I want or why it hurts so much. Running on autopilot, blind to all around me.

A gentle push, a kind word, keeps me afloat for a while but my head is dangerously bobbing at the waterline and when alone, begins to sink. Like now..

I feel like it was my fault. Like I ruin everything. Like I am not special enough to fight for or .. I don't know. I am too needy, too honest, too affectionate.. I don't know. Me. My fault. Fake. Gone.

Was it ever real?????????????



And I feel sick everytime I hear the tone to say I have email :(

May be gone again

Well, my blog may sit untouched again for a little. As may everything else. My "sweetie" called things off last night. Not coping very well, not accepting the situation at all. I had some photos of things I'd done but now I don't have the heart to write about them. So I apologise if you don't see me for a while. Right now I am going to curl back up in bed and cry some more.

Been a while, but we're back with a vengence :D

Jessi was on her swing the other day every time there was a pause in the rain. Surprised she didn't get a wet bottom!! But at one stage nanna came to get her and as she skipped across the lawn to get to the car I saw something move. I called her back and we found this little guy resting on some long blades of grass. He didn't like our observations very much as he moved a few times. Shania was here too and I think she was more surprised to see such a little frog than Jessi. We see frogs every now and again when it is raining but I guess Stace keeps Shania tucked up inside when it is wet. Ah.. whatever! Wet or dry you need to just enjoy the day. I am glad we got to make a new friend in this lil guy, he was so small! Only maybe 4cm long. I have no idea what kind of frog it is but I'd be guessing some kind of common garden frog as we don't have a pond or anything to draw them in so he'd need another reason to be here. Safe travels my lil amphibian friend. Come to visit again soon. We do so enjoy watching you.

My first scrapbook page in I couldn't tell you how long. Since well before christmas! I am not overly impressed with it. I don't know why I don't like it or what I think it needs. But I wont do any more to it, I know I will fully destroy it. I am always trying to remind myself that as much as scrapping is a creative outlet for me, it really is about the story I tell for those to come after me. So.. the story is told so leave alone! *lol* Round seems to be very "in" within my scrapping mags so I gave it ago. Been there, done that and am over it already *lol* It's a nice photo of Jessi and it's very hard for me to scrap those non-gorgeous full frontal photos. So this in itself was an achievement! The photo is Jessi playing in a cubbyhouse at playgroup, dressed as a fairy for a little friends birthday party. My Feral Fairy!

My second page in as many days. I am much happier with this one. I knew what I had in mind right from the onset. So imagine my disgust when I misplaced the letter S stamp!!!! I sat for hours on and off trying to work out what to do bt not getting anywhere as I had planned to do it just like this! Last night I was looking at some papers that came free with a mag and voila! There was the cheeky lil letter S. This is my first effort with foam stamps, acrylic paint, ink and dry brush painting. I am pleased with how it all came together. The second photo being included was a last minute.. "hmm it needs something". The tulle through the ribbon letters spelling ballerina is interesting. I had no ribbon the right colours and didn't know how I was going to attach them to the page. I stumbled across some white tulle and it really fit with how the white acrylic paint was somewhat translucent and the tulle has that effect with it not being a "full" fabric. I like it. The tulle fits the whole ballerina thing to! That only just hit me *lol* Yeah.. I'm a dope :P This photo was taken the day we bought Jessi her very sweet little tutu for $15 at Gosnells Railway Markets in Perth. We drove to my great-uncle's to see my great-grandfather and Jessi wanted it on "now!" *lol*. This was July 06. Needless to say that tutu is nearly worn out now! She has even worn it in winter with stockings underneath.

My test page for the letter stamping. Notice how the S is missing? :P I really like this piece of paper. Bright and fun. The butterfly is yellow but I was using the brush I dry brushed black paint on the ballerina layout so the black has come off a lil with the yellow (nah, I hadn't washed the brush). Looks good. What will I do with this paper? Who knows. Maybe it is time I started an A4 album for.. I dunno. Just cos. Maybe for her dad if he ever wants to know about his daughter.

I found this little business card holder in the newsagency yesterday. When I saw them I automatically said "I can use that!" and bought 3 of them. Only $1 something each! I decided to try doing mini cards. I've only done one (which you see, the others are just cut out ready to use) but I am just not sure what to do with it. I might make a little "I love you" box for my sister. I find I need a goal to really get stuck into it. The other 2 I am thinking maybe little accordian albums. Who knows what this twisted lil mind of mine will come up with. I will be sure to share ;) Incase anyone is interested, this bus-card holder is about 9.5cm long x 6cm high

How proud am I of my little princess!!! This is Jessica's FIRST EVER scrapbook page! The photo is my sisters cat Shadow when she had kittens (yes, Shadow is a ginger cat. she was named Shadow as she followed my brother in aw everywhere when she was little, not her colouring). I gave Jessa the photo and asked her what colour paper she wanted. She did start with a white piece that had black pawprints on but she just hacked at it with decorative scissors. I thought she was going to use those cut pieces on the page but I guess not! I made some suggestions of things she could stick and she just did what she pleased. She actually got pretty grumpy at me for writing the title on the page as she wanted the stickers to spell it. Unfortunately they were cheap stickers and bits tore off as I tried to remove them from the backing!

These are Jess's following attempts at scrapbooking. The red one, her and her dad, was all her own doing. See how she has grouped all the hearts, stars and flowers together respectively? She is rather methodical like that. Ever since she was really little. I remember when she was only maybe 10mths old we were playing with her wooden blocks (I was making towers and she was knocking them down! *lol*) and she would hold either two cylindrical ones or put two cone shaped ones together. She likes grouping things. Anyway, that was off track! Jess was getting rather bored with the scrapbooking thing. She and Shania were both doing it. I will need to borrow Shania's 4 complete pages to photograph. For a 9yr old she totally amazed me!! She has such creativity and a real "idea" of what she wants to do. I help buy cutting the paper for her and such and making the odd suggestion, but I try to let the girls do it themselves otherwise. It isn't theirs if I do it all! Shania was also very pleased with herself and beaming when she took her pages home to show her mum. I promise pics as soon as I can. You will be stunned at what that clever little cousin of mine achieved.

It's school holidays here and I have been a lil inundated with kids. Shania has slept over, but it all started by nanna needing to do something so leaving Shania and Jessi here, then Nichola coming to see me and Kristina wanting to stay with the girls. So the 4 of us squished into my totally trashed craft room and piled the table high with Jessica's crafty bits. We put heaps into these "chinese take out" containers mum bought that somehow made their way to my place. With everything in its place they were able to just grab what they were after. We made peg dolls and popstick boxes, giraffes with paddlepop sticks and foam balls and decorated cardboard cut outs. Those you see above are all Jessi's. The 2 older girls took all their things home with them. I am so proud of Jessi's flower. She did it ALL BY HERSELF. I mean all of it. Shania and I were busy doing something and Jess says "look"and held up the flower. It looks amazing. Well done my lil princess. You have really shocked your mummy this week.

My very first attempt at broomstick lace. A small scarf suitable for a little girl. Little did I realise I was supposed to use back-loop-only throughout to this is not right!! I was pulling through both loops. It curls up at the edges. I actually rather like the "shells" this has created on the back though.

My second attempt. No curling, yay! This is supposed to be a birthday gift for my lifelong friend Helen. It is well and truly late as her bday was April 1st and now I am not sure if she will ever get it. But it's better in that I did it right this time *lol*

Last but not least the 2 squares from the Leisure Arts leaflet Dragonflies, Butterflies and More for the dragonfly afghan. I haven't done their wings. No idea what I will do with these squares. I really only made them just for the hell of it. The colours don't go together at all but hey! I don't mind. I might make a little pillow for Shania.


On the personal front everything is crap. My car wont even start now. I need my car. How am I supposed to get Jess to school when it is raining? We don't have buses or taxi's or even a school bus. Jessica has been on antibiotics as she had a REALLY nasty infection on her hand. This was 2 weeks ago but it seems overnight her hand is infected again :( Our dr called to get authorisation for Jessi's Singulair asthma preventer tablet during the week and was deined as she uses a Flixotide puffer as well and apparently you aren't allowed to use both. Yet she has used both ever since she was diagnosed! She had 4 asthma attacks on Thurs night and yet some idiot on the end of the phone feels they have the right to tell us "no, she can't have that medication" cos some bigger idiot who likely has their own gvt office somewhere has decided that you should be able to keep asthma under control with just one preventer. Dr said to go back next week and when they ask if she is using an inhaler too he will tell them no. Well.. we shall see.

I've been pretty miserable. Spent hours on the phone to nanna just crying last night. I know I am not well and I am doing what I can about that. But our finances wont fix themselves and my daughter wont just become healthy. Nor will someone decide to love me. So.. very little will change no matter what happens. At the end of the day when Jessi is in bed and I am allowed to be "Michelle" and not "Jessi's mum" I would love to have someone to talk to, someone to hold and hold me, someone to help so I don't have to get up to my 4yr old 4 times a night! Until I get myself sorted out I know I don't deserve to have that, but that is what I want. I am fed up with all the promises I hear and no one but me ever makes the effort. I don't want to force someone to love me. Why can't I be loved for who I am?

So, so tired

Sunday was a disasterous day in terms of Jessi's asthma. She had a nasty day, and then in the middle of the night I had to take her to the hospital. But of course with my car being unreliable, nanna had to come get us and take us. We were there for well over an hour. They said her oxygen saturation levels were fine but could see she was in respitory distress. She ended up with more oral steroids and me being lectured on the maintenance of her asthma. It isn't even a maintenance issue!

Turns out yesterday was worse :( I kept her home from school mainly as I was so tired. As it was she spent all morning coughing and you could really see her chest sucking in and her tummy doing the breathing. She threw up once while at my cousins Stacey's. We spent the morning down there to meet her new arrival Alexander and played with Eli while Shania was at school. It was a nice morning but for poor Jessi feeling so yuck. So she had a big sick and felt a lil better, but you could see she was getting tired.

We had to go to see the dr that afternoon anyway, which was kinda good. It was so cold in the waiting room from the aircon that I asked for a towel or something to put on her. They gave me a nice warm blanket (from a special cupboard that keeps them heated!!). Lucky too as Jessi spewed everywhere! The blanket wore it rather than Jess. So we waited, and waited, and waited. We got there at 1:40pm as our apt was for 1:45pm. We didn't leave the hospital until 4:15! Jessi was tired and irritable. Skye was there too as she needed to have her hand looked at so we went to her house for a while after. Jess was well and truly asleep by 7pm last night. She was just exhausted from fighting to breath all day. I am less than impressed with my dr at the moment and have asked to see our pediatrician again. I wont see her til June though as she only visits the country area every 6mths. Jess has been complaining of sore knees a lot and I asked about that and all he said was "it's a bit hard to tell with kids of this age" and left it at that! Didn't ask Jessi about it, didn't look at her. Nothing. Just sat typing at his computer and said it as a passing comment.

Last night I was a wreck. I spent ages on the phone to mum crying and just wanting to scream. It's all so unfair sometimes. I think I made mum feel bad by her not being here to support us or help us. Plus she couldn't talk long as her recent phone bill is $1200! After I got off the phone I still wasn't feeling much better so I called Kaz and asked her to call me back. We had a nice chat. I am so pleased to hear she got the mature age apprenticeship she wanted! I am so very proud of you Kazza, love you heaps and miss you so very much.

I got a water bill yesterday too. So now I have every single bill I could possibly have. I don't know what I am going to do about the car. I need it, for Jessi. But I can't afford to repair it or get another. I am in such a bad place at the moment. I really do need a break, or for something to break! An anonymous inheritance would be a life saver at the moment. Just to pay the bills and fix the car and to know I can afford Jess' meds. She needs bath oil and I just don't have $33 to buy it right now. So yup, her skin is still nasty too. I see the psychologist tomorrow. I don't think 45mins is going to be long enough *lol*. I need something, I just don't know what. Something..