Monday, November 08, 2010

Head. Hurts.

Oh my gosh, throw me back in the 'Bad Blogger Corner'. I have hardly even thought of blogging the last few weeks and only today did I catch up on reading them. Some people blog crazy, insane amounts (this compared to my own inability to set any kind of routine!!) and reading page 1 wasn't enough for their blogs. I've had some insane headaches of late and I am not enjoying them one bit!

Halloween was fine. Jessi happily trotted off to school in her costume and I spent a week at my sewing machine making myself something to wear for a night at the pub (bar) with friends. Neither of us wore anything at all spooky, ghosty, ghouly, creepy or gross. Just a costume. As far as I am concerned Halloween is a good excuse to dress up but it doesn't need to contain fake blood, wounds, horns, bats or pointy hats. Sure, lots of people wear those kinds of costumes, good luck to them. Infact, it seemed 4 of 5 girls at the school this year were wearing a witches costume. How unique! Don't you just LOVE to blend in? Admittedly, Jess was a little worried about "being different" and I can assure you I promoted different as much as I could. When the time came, I understood her nerves and was reluctant to walk out the door in my own costume. I think I would have felt like that regardless of the occasion! I'm not big on being 'different' myself.. Talk about hypocrite!!!!

Right now Blogger wont open the photo loading window so it will be all text, yay for you!

We welcomed a new little lady into our family last week. My first cousin Stacey had her fourth child, her second daughter, Cadence Kristeen Diana and she is so sweet!! Stace and I spend time merely speculating her hair and eye colour. Stacey's older 3 are all blonde hair, blue eyed little cuties but Cadence has dark hair and eyes. This is no surprise, she reminds us of her elder sibling Alexander who also had dark hair when he was a newborn. Miss Cadence sleeps an awful lot. The first day I went to visit I think I spent a good 6hrs there and didn't once see her with open eyes! Her older brothers are 4yrs and 3yrs and she's good about all the raucous they make and her big sister is almost 12 and oh-so-grown-up! Watching her stand over the bassinet the other day was a really hitting moment of "wow, she's so big now! when did that happen?". My mum and I took Stacey's boys, her nephew and Jessi to the park on Saturday and it was a lovely day out. Alexander decided he was coming to sleep at my house the night. He had a rude shock when I said NO!! He's my little buddy, and it's so cute. Love them all to bits.

Jessi doesn't need me any more. I miss being needed. She's only 7 and in the morning before school I run her the shower and wash her hair if needed but she dresses herself, packs her lunchbox, organises her school bag etc all by herself. And it makes me sad! I really never expected to only have 1 child. I feel like my life is on pause.

I've come to realise friendships can be so fake. This sounds harsh, but beside my cousin Stacey I have 1 other 'friend' left here. The other people I associate with aren't real friends. People I know, people I've grown up with.. sure, there is a lot of history and a lot of sentiment, but when I truly look at the relationship it just isn't there. That was a REALLY hard thing to realise, and now try come to terms with. I don't dislike them, nor do I feel they're bad people or anything else so harsh, I just don't see there being that real friend bond with us. Not seeing them the whole time I was home from my last trip to Perth only to go out with them to the Halloween party on Oct 30... who does that? They're also in very different worlds. I don't have an iPod, a Pandora bracelet, a new car, the money to spend $55 on a pair of shoes just for Halloween (yes, you did read that right) nor to get massages or my nails done. I have so little to actually talk to them about.

I had a massive melt down last week. This is the first pay since giving up my job that I have felt the loss. I was so broke this fortnight. I borrowed a bit of money off nanna and it's great she's there to lend it, but it means I start the new fortnight on the back foot. I cried (truly sobbed, it was disgusting) and at one point I even thought Jessica might be better off with her dad (financially) and then I launched into hysteria at being such a selfish person for even considering it! There is no way in this world he is getting her, money or no money. He is apparently in Western Australia this week and we've not heard a peep out of him.

I spent a few hours with my step dad. He was upset after a phone call with my mum who works away on a mine site. It seems they're over. They've been married 17yrs this December but mum's decided she's had enough and is ready to move on. Really ready. She's already talking about moving.

It's hard bonding with my step dad sometimes (who you will see referred to merely as "dad" in most of my posts). He hurt my mum really badly when I was 16 or so, and he's got alcohol problems, he's never accepted my life as a mother and when drunk reminds me I should have been a doctor or a lawyer (never dreams of mine, but ok). He called me for a lift (he lost his license yonks ago, another abuse/alcohol related story) one night last week which was really out of character as he always calls my nanna. I got the impression he wanted company so sat with him for a couple of hours and we just talked. About all kinds of stuff. He had no idea what went on between Jessica's father and I which I was completely dumbfounded to learn! He asked me if I was seeing anyone and couldn't understand the answer being 'no'. I told him the night he hurt my mum I saw her all smooshed and bloody. I don't think he ever knew that either. My friends used to be scared to sleep over because of him (those same friends I said above that I am not sure where we really stand). He's had all sorts of charges laid against him in the years he's been with my mum. He's really not a role model of any distinction. But when I left that night, I was just getting into the car and he was standing on the front step when he said to me "So, if it's over.. between Patti and I... we can still talk?". After all he's put me through, all the bad memories, my heart still broke.

I missed something like 6 calls to the mobile and 4 to the home phone this afternoon. All from my sister. I had been on the phone with the treasurer of the local newspaper (of which I am editor) and as soon as I saw that all the calls were from her I called her back expecting some sort of bad news. Turns out she was calling to tell me of a job she saw advertised. Which she thought I should apply for. I am so fed up! I know she meant well and that she really does want me to live closer to her (with Perth and her being 8hrs away) but I do see her every 3mths when I take Jessi down for her doctors appointments. Anyways, I told her that just applying for a job was a ridiculous idea. I can't just up and move! It's not as easy as all that. I have a house, a mortgage, a child who needs her mother more than many and I am freaking single. There is no one there to pick up the pieces I let slip. If people keep asking me about jobs/study I think I am about to start yelling. Which wouldn't be at all polite or socially acceptable.

I've felt so overwhelmed the last couple of weeks. If everything in my life is left up to me, then I wont have much of a life. How will I ever get to travel, buy my acreage, build the house I want etc etc when I can barely hold down a 4hr a day, 5 day a week job? How am I even supposed to enrol in a course when for the last 9 days I haven't been able to keep food on the table, or get by without my nan propping me up? (be assured Jessica is well looked after. Nanna wont let her go without). I want to run away. I am desperate for a real holiday. Someone even said to me today "but you go to Perth all the time!". That is NOT a choice! I have to go again in 2weeks for Jessi's next set of appointments and I can't afford to go. Period. But I have to make it work. I want to really get away. I'd love to head to the USA, but even Bali would suffice! You can travel to Bali for under $600 from Perth. Almost costs that much for a return trip from here to Perth! Actually, fly from Kalgoorlie and it could easily cost that much for a return flight. Crazy huh!? You can fly to Indonesia cheaper than within your own state. Weird world we live in.

I need to find some mojo and do something. Anything!!! I am going crazy.

PS. My psych thinks he's worked out my problem(s). LOL! I don't fully understand but it's something to do with the 'meaning I associate to things' and thus the way I handle them (or don't). I am a little fed up with his flow charts, he pretty much redraws the same thing on each session. Only see him once every 2 weeks, and longer when I needed to be re-referred, so I sometimes feel it's all a bit spread out. He says one week he will bring X info to the next session, and on the next he doesn't even mention it.

Jess and I have this little habit of "I love you more/I love you the most". It usually starts with "I love you" and the reply "I love you too" and soon evolves into "I love you more" - "But you can't, cos I love you the most!" - "But I still love you even more" - "How can you love me more when the most is the MOST?" and it's funny, and we laugh. We know the outcome and yet we still play our silly little game. Or I'll randomly say to her "guess what?" and she of course asks what to get the reply "I love you". It always puts a smile on her face. I am sure she knows "what" but she plays along. I love my princess.


Wanderlust said...

Hi Shell, thanks for your comments over on my blog. I know it can be very overwhelming trying to work and raise kids on your own. I'm struggling with that too. Hoping you get some respite soon. xx