Friday, September 12, 2008


Jessica and I arrived safely home from Perth and Princess Margaret Hospital after 14day stay on Tues. Today is Friday and all that joy I felt at coming home is gone.

Basically, Neil's brother's girlfriend had more say in our relationship than I did. Neil tells me yesterday that he spoke to his brother about the wedding and that, well, yeah. Basically without saying it, that I'm not invited. Last night (cos he was still at work), I txt him and said I wanted to not make an issue of something but needed to understand. He asked "so what is this issue of yours?" and I said I'd like to know just what his brother said about the wedding and me not being invited (which I once was). He text back "he said Renee doesn't want you anywhere near her". Renee is the sister-in-law to be. I admitted that although I hadn't wanted to make an issue of it that this was a BIG problem. He asked what it meant for he and I, I said I'd rather talk in person.

He shows up not all that long later. I'm sitting on the floor balling my eyes out. He comes over and helps me up and holds me and wipes tears from my eyes. I ask him what ever did I do to his family? His nan made it clear a long time ago that she hated me, but his sis-in-law and I got on just fine the one and only time we met. He said he didn't know. I cried a whole lot more, said I didn't want to control him, just love him. That his family was being awful mean and that it must have been so hard for him. He said he wasn't sure he could take it if his family disowned him. I saw no reason he should be disowned! I did more talking, he did more cuddling. Very little was said from his side, as usual. Then he just walked to the door and started pulling on his shoes. I asked for my key, he pointed to the printer saying "it's there" and left. Just like that. Out my front door with me crying my heart out inside.

I don't believe for a moment he ould have chosen this path but for his family's wickedness. What does it say for the relationship we had though? 12 whole months worth! I thought Neil was the man I wanted to marry, have babies with. Well, looks like more fool me. It's definately over this time. I'd not take him back now. He could be kicked out of home and I'd pass him by in the street. I've only ever been good to his family, tried to understand and tollerate his mean nanna, work beside his hypercondriac mother and enquire the health of those who don't live close by.

I almost feel like this was a ply set up by him to get rid of me. But if that were so would he really have been so caring when he first came in last night, or when I got off the plane the other evening then why was he so playful and happy? It doesn't make sense. But, by him having that key all ready off his keyring and such implies he knew when he walked in that door he was walking out alone. Poor Jessica. She'd just got home from 2weeks in Perth missing him, hunting out a fathers day gift which she gave him with a picture she'd drawn of "our family", me her and Neil. She gave him candy saying "I *heart* dad" which he said he didn't want but I notice is gone now from where he left it.

All this started when he and his nan went over east some time ago I believe. It was when they returned that I was no longer welcome at his house, or to talk to his nanna. Had he been running me down? Given them bad impressions of me? I'll never know.

I'm sad. It's Friday night and Neil typically spent Friday night with me at my house, and most of Saturday. I feel so betrayed. He said he loved me. Even when he walked in the door last night he said he loved me. If this is how you treat someone you love...

I've tried to be a good person, a decent person, all my life. I'm really wondering just what I ever thought it ould do for me as thus far I've had nothing but a shit life! Nichola is moving back to Perth in 2wks time and once more I will be friendless.

I don't want much out of life. A simple kind of happiness. A nice house on some acreage in a quiet area somewhere with plenty of space to run and play and yell and scream. A husband to love well into old age, a couple more kids to prove to myself I'm not a failure as a parent. I'm not even fussed about having a career or owning a posh car or having hundereds of thousands of dollars in the bank. It means little if you are surrounded by people who love you. How do you ever know it's not just a sham?!

I want a man who's happy to give me a flower once in a while, who'd look at things I make with admiration or constructive criticism instead of sheer boredom, who doesn't want to walk in and out of our lives because I want to find the person who I can love forever, like grandma and pop. I want to be spoilt, but not with lavish holidays and expensive jewelry (though who'd complain if it was on offer) but with love, kindness, respect and understanding. I am so sick to death of giving my all to get so little in return. Jessica, as part of the hospital's craft activites, just gave Neil a certificate saying something like "worlds best step-dad" as part of her fathers day gift which included other handmade things from Jessi and $50 worth of clothes and boutique candy. I didn't even get a phone call for mothers day, nor a card for my birthday. Not to mention the horrid gifts HIS MOTHER gave him to give me for xmas! I'm not sniping I spent so much on him over the time, but it would just be nice to have that same kindess returned to some extent. Always giving, nver getting. It should be my life motto because it's been like that for a very long time.

I only have myself to blame. I let this happen. I never really said, but the last time we broke up as because I got a little too close to another man. I think even then I knew Neil and I weren't each others perfection. I just wanted it to be so and patched it up with him. It still bloody hurts! I feel so spiteful which is not my character, and I feel betrayed by the person I loved so completely, and to whom I gave my all.